Hardest Things

It's my last day of maternity leave. I can't believe it's here. I can't believe it's 2:50 p.m. already. This is the saddest day ever.

Throughout my pregnancy and mommyhood - I have been through some of the hardest things I have ever gone through in my life. Each one seeming to be as bad or worse than the stage before it.

The first hard thing that I endured was morning sickness. Yep - little D (known as "Boogie" at the time) made me throw up on pretty much a daily basis for several months. I couldn't eat anything and I was miserable - but thrilled to be expecting. I didn't think I'd ever feel "good" again, and would just have to endure this nausea for the rest of my pregnancy or LIFE for that matter. Somehow I survived on mostly bread and cheese and applesauce, and Boogie grew and grew and grew - and I felt better!

The next hard part came in the form of stretch marks - yeah - I had great belly skin until about 2 weeks before my man came out. Yep. That just sucks...I guess it's just not that hard.

Of course, I was always under the influence that giving birth would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do. In fact, I was terrified to give birth all my life. Throw into the equation the fact that my water "broke" (leaked) at not quite 35 weeks along and I was terrified. 18 hours of labor, the majority of which were drug-free was one of the hardest things ever. I endured the pain - and remember it being bad - but luckily you DO block that out. However, the physical act of it was terrifying and exciting and painful and just crazy. THEN add the fact that I was told I had to have a C-section after all that - and I was into hardship again. It was so hard...to not have a choice...to be "rushed" to surgery and only shown my baby for a second after birth was one of the hardest things to endure ever.

All these lead up to the hardest thing I've ever endured...having to have my baby taken away and hooked up to monitors and tubes and incubators for a week in a room away from me. Yes I got to see him and hold him - but never on my own time, never alone, never like all the other mommies there. I learned to just survive that week, living like Howard Hughes in a room I was sequestered to unless I was visiting D. I watched as my baby was stimulated from a Bradying episode which was the climax. I didn't know how to deal with the uncertainty of what was going on - or what to do for him. But I endured...and I got to take him home a week later on a monitor.

The monitor was another hardship - which has now become a crutch that I can't kick away. It was so hard to deal with, what I know now to be, false alarms. I freaked out not knowing if I would have to utilize the infant CPR I was briefed on...and was living in complete and total terror for the first full week at home with D. I couldn't take my eyes off him for 1 minute. I was convinced I would never make it. I thought that I was crazy to even have had a baby - and wished to have those nurses back full time...but again, I endured.

The most recent and lasting hardship has been breastfeeding. No one tells you how hard it is. It just seems so easy and natural and turn-key. It's not. Not even close. It's hard and lonely and unpredictable. It's worth it, but it's hard. I found my breastfeeding group - which made things easier - but now I'll not get to have that anymore. I don't know how to always endure this. I've spent an afternoon bawling with a lactation nurse not thinking I could do it in the past. I endured that. This weekend I had stomach flu and became dehydrated and now it's a huge challenge again. I'm enduring. What will I do without that weekly group though?

Now - the hardest thing possibly. I go back to work tomorrow. How can I do it? How can I start back and have someone else spend 10 hours a day with my baby? What if he becomes more attached to the babysitter? What if I miss all his milestones? I mean - he is just starting to smile and giggle and now I have to go away. I can't even think about everything else I will be missing. I know - tomorrow and Wednesday should be okay with me as my mom and mother-in-law will be watching him. But even so...it's not me. What if he doesn't get soothed just by seeing me anymore? What if he doesn't want to breastfeed anymore? What if the babysitter can't calm him and he cries all day? He's not going to be given the undivided attention that I provide. This is the hardest thing ever. I know that I still get every night and every weekend...but it just seems barbaric...having a kid so that someone else raises him? I know I didn't do that - and I knew this day had to come...I always said I wanted to work. But - I had no idea it would be this hard. And now, that's what I'm left to endure.

Wish me luck...

Merry Ho Ho

So we had a GREAT first Christmas with the D man! He was the hit of every gathering, and scored big time with gifts.
Oddly enough it was a very DINOSAUR Christmas! He got dinosaur clothes, stuffed animals, ornaments, toys and PJs from almost everyone - unintentionally! Crazy but perfect!

Anywho - here are a few quick pics from our Christmas...

D meets Aunt Nana for the first time:

Spending time with Great Grandma Chum:

Traveling clothes:

Hanging out in his rocking chair during gift opening:

Dain I, Dain II, and Dain III on Christmas morning:

Meeting cousin Kellen:

Getting ready to go home:

I head back to work on Tuesday...stay tuned tomorrow for a post.

Diapers and the Rule Of 3

Many things to report today...

D is up to 11 lbs. 14 oz.! Woohoo!

Diapers
Well - my little man is a diaper-filling machine. For those who didn't know - we're using cloth diapers. We have several different kinds/methods. Prefolds with covers, fitteds (that are now too small), and one-size insert diapers. No matter what the kind though - D finds a way to pee through them - or poop - depending on the day.
Yeah - we're still experimenting with folds and inserts, so eventually we'll get to the right method for us.
I thought disposables were a bulletproof alternative for those times when we needed to stay totally dry...like heading to a photo session or going to the doctor's office. (I always have a few on hand). The answer...NOPE! Little man is just a diaper-loader...and it sneaks out of all types of diapers. Needless to say I do a LOT of laundry around here - considering I have to wash all his diapers too!

Rule of 3
Random realization of the day:
For those of you who don't know me...I get very attached to certain shows/movies that I can watch repeatedly. There are a select few - but they are there and I own the DVDs. Gilmore Girls, Felicity and Friends are the TV shows that I could watch on repeat...and with Gilmore Girls I frequently do. I have seen every episode a minimum of 5 times I'm sure...and could watch only that show forever.
I recently noticed that something/someone is causing my DVD's to disappear. Oddly enough - it's happened to all my favorite shows - and ALL in Season 3! I'm missing a DVD from Season 3 in my Gilmore Girls set, my Felicity set (I think, though Stephanie must confirm as she's got it), and I recently discovered the loss in my Friends set! WHAT? That's so weird! I never lose DVD's, and none of them are ANYWHERE. I've checked ALL my DVD cases, behind the DVD players, under the entertainment centers, and even totally random places that don't make sense. I think I have something with 3rd Seasons. This is bad. How do I replace those? Hmm...just an interesting thing I thought I'd share.

On the same line of the Rule of 3:
Pictures of D in 3's - look how the face angle is the same in these 3!

Sleepy (did I mention he slept 30 hours straight the other day, waking only every a few hours to eat with barely an eye open!)

Playful (he loves the play yard)

Serious (this was after a bath)

My Two Men...

A List of Updates...

So here are several updates that I think are blog-worthy...

1. D slept for more than 30 hours, waking only to eat (but most of the time not even open his eyes) yesterday. I was honestly scared. Oddly enough, FACEBOOK made me feel better! So many people told me that their little ones slept constantly - - or just reminded me to not be stupidly complaining about a happily sleeping baby. I guess I should've shut my mouth. I was afraid he'd be up all night (meaning awake - I'm sure he'd lay in the bassinet all night with his eyes open just chillin, but I don't lay him down in there unless he's asleep because I would feel bad if he was in there and awake all alone!). However...this point leads in to #2.

2. He went for 6 hours between feedings overnight! Awesome! I got 5 straight hours of sleep - which hasn't happened since October 24th!

3. He's been to the mall with me, the grocery store, the library, CVS, and Old Navy. He's slept through all of them. (Side note - the car and the stroller put him straight to sleep - notice a pattern with this kid?)

4. We didn't make it to the daycare yet - we're going next Tuesday...I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

5. HE'S OFF THE MONITOR!!!!!!!!!! Yeppers...off as of about 5:30 today. They came to download the info from the monitor the other day and sent the report to his pediatrician. They got the info this afternoon and said there have been no episodes and he can take it off! So, we go in for his 2 month appointment on Monday and they will give us the prescription to send to the company to come and pick up the monitor from me. He's done!

This is bittersweet almost. Yeah I'm thrilled to have him off the monitor full time, but he's been monitored full time (minus a few hours here and there) since birth. I've not had to worry about knowing if he was breathing...the monitor would have told me. I haven't had to worry about decreasing heart rates (like that episode I witnessed of his in the hospital that haunts me to this day). Now, I know he's okay - but I don't have that crutch, that back-up. Granted, I'm going to put the monitor on him for the next few nights while we sleep, just so I can rest easy and wean myself off this thing...but what will I do when it's gone? Will I ever sleep easy?
I know, I know - millions of women sleep without monitors on their babies every night in every country everywhere. However, they didn't go through my exact experience, and hey, they're not ME. I'm a nervous, panicky person by nature. Add a defenseless baby that is the most important thing in my life to that, and it's not a good equation.
Dain, of course, is celebrating the monitor's departure. He doesn't understand my need to put this thing on him in the night for the next few nights. But, I'm going to. I need to sleep easy. I need to have that security.
I really want to get a home sleep monitor called Angel Care. They're sold by Amazon and Babies R Us and probably other places. A girl in my breastfeeding group has one, and I just found out one of my friends got one when her baby was born as well. It's like $70 - and it's a panel you put under the baby's mattress that just monitors their breathing and goes off if they stop. I think this is important. Something that will help me sleep a little easier seems like a no-brainer. After all we've been through with this little guy - it makes sense. It's something we can keep for IF we have another kid too. Plus, you put no wires on the kid, and it may help my transition to him going to the crib eventually too. Just look at how much these people love it: Angel Care by Graco reviews on Amazon
What are your opinions? I know $70 is a lot of money for us right now - but it really means a lot to my sanity. However, if Dain thinks it's unnecessary - am I crazy? He's usually the logical to my illogical...but isn't peace of mind priceless? I don't know...

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed...and for once it's not with fear or laundry...

Yep - the past few days I've just been overwhelmed with love. I am truly loving this motherhood thing.
I get to look at this beautiful boy all day every day and can't believe I lived 28 years without him. He is so perfect, and such a good baby. I'm so lucky.

All this is wonderful...but I think it's a result of the fact that I have to go back to work on 29th and I have no idea how this is going to work.
No - I have no idea how it works to leave your child with daycare all day. Granted, I'm going to visit the daycare lady tomorrow with the D man, so we'll get to the bottom of most of my questions. However, I'm talking about how to actually, emotionally leave my child for the day with someone that's not me, that's NOT going give him the attention that I do. Our daycare (in-home in Roselle) lady is great, but she won't be able to solely focus on my little man, as there are other kids there, including HERS. So, I don't know how it will work. I guess he's going to have to be more self-sufficient at the age of 9 weeks. Plus how am I going to be able to make it through my day without seeing him, or breastfeeding, etc.? Yeah I'm going to pump at work but this is just blowing my mind. I thought I would never make it through that first week with him - and now I only have a week and a half left. This sucks.

So - to cheer us up - here's some photos of him...
After a bath...
Enjoying his play yard...
The butt of his Christmas outfit given to him by his great grandma & grandpa Meyer...
Enjoying his bath in the bathtub for the first time...

Update on D

So it's Monday - that means breastfeeding group! Yep, we went in and the D man is up to 11 lbs. 7 oz.! He's still growing and growing and growing!

Also - many people are asking me about the monitor that's on our boy. He's been doing fine - the onesy-twosy beeps we're getting are so few and far between it's ridiculous, and most of the time it just alarms that one of his leads are loose.

For those confused as to how this thing works - it's just two sensor-pads under each of D's armpits, and they're held in place by a sweatband headband (literally). These have wires hooked to them and they run along a long cord down to the monitor which is like a portable hard drive in a purse-size case. We feed the wires through the crotch of all his clothes. The monitor doesn't weigh very much but it's a big pain to haul around, especially with the long cord. I've always been jealous of everyone with the cord-free babies that they can just pick up and leave the room without a whole process...

Anywho...here's a pic of him before a bath last week, showing the band around his chest (and his HUGE belly!).

I called the company that does the monitoring today - as our doctor has ordered a download of his monitor report so that he can look it over before D's two month doctor appointment on Friday. If everything looks good - this thing is history!

Ah Saturday

I love days when Dain is home. We've had a great day so far...just a nice relaxed day all together.

I got the pictures I painted finally hung up in D's room (pictures sometime soon), and I got the mobile bars painted, so hopefully that will be completed and hung by the end of the day too.

D has been pretty awake today (though now sleeping comfortably on Dain's lap). He's played in his play yard, slept in his swing, eaten a ton, and done a LOT of checking out his surroundings.

The best news of the day - my Christmas shopping is DONE! :) However, I'm not one of those people that dreads holiday shopping. I LOVE it...but I hate stores. (Does this make sense?) I love to think of that perfect gift for people, and as often as possible, I like to hand-make or even personalize it somehow. Either way, I'm done and I think I did a pretty good job this year.
Here's a photo from D's session that best describes how that makes me feel...

Smiling for the Camera

So D had his second ever photo shoot today (he had one in the hospital that I blogged on previously). We went to Sears and got some pictures taken - and it was so fun. He's so freaking cute.
Anywho - here's a little preview...we also took some Christmas pictures which you will receive as a holiday card if I have your address :)


He was barely awake for most of it - but that's okay. I was hoping to get him to smile, but no real luck there.

He has been smiling at us lately though. Every once in a while - and he gets smileyer (yes mom I know that's not a word) every day. In fact, last night...I got a tiny quick GIGGLE! Just a couple heh heh's...but it was ADORABLE!

Chubby Cheeks

This is what it says on my little guy's outfit today- and he's up to 10 lbs. 13 oz. (with clothes on)! My little porker is so cute!

Gassy Baby

Yeah - since the day D came home - he's been a gassy little guy. I mean - wall-rattling gassy!
In the past few weeks - he's really started getting red and upset every time he has gas - which is about an hour after EVERY single feeding (which is about every 2 hours these days!). I was talking to the girls at breastfeeding group about it - and they suggested getting Infant Gas Relief drops. SO - we got some. I just gave him some for the first time...we'll see if there are any results.

More D!

Here's some much needed photos of the boy...but before we get to that - let me tell you that at breastfeeding group this morning our little porker is up to 9 lbs. 13 oz.!

Now - here's the photos of my boy:
Here we are (almost 2 weeks ago) modeling an outfit sent by Aunt Nanny & cousin Joey:

That same day - with Grandma Denise:

Sleepy - but our first time in the bouncy seat:

Hanging with Daddy on Thanksgiving at Grandma Denise's house:

With Aunt Theresa at Grandma Susie's Thanksgiving:

With cousins Amelia and Adam:

Cutest baby ever! Though I must say he's much cuter in person...you'll have to meet him!