It's my last day of maternity leave. I can't believe it's here. I can't believe it's 2:50 p.m. already. This is the saddest day ever.
Throughout my pregnancy and mommyhood - I have been through some of the hardest things I have ever gone through in my life. Each one seeming to be as bad or worse than the stage before it.
The first hard thing that I endured was morning sickness. Yep - little D (known as "Boogie" at the time) made me throw up on pretty much a daily basis for several months. I couldn't eat anything and I was miserable - but thrilled to be expecting. I didn't think I'd ever feel "good" again, and would just have to endure this nausea for the rest of my pregnancy or LIFE for that matter. Somehow I survived on mostly bread and cheese and applesauce, and Boogie grew and grew and grew - and I felt better!
The next hard part came in the form of stretch marks - yeah - I had great belly skin until about 2 weeks before my man came out. Yep. That just sucks...I guess it's just not that hard.
Of course, I was always under the influence that giving birth would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do. In fact, I was terrified to give birth all my life. Throw into the equation the fact that my water "broke" (leaked) at not quite 35 weeks along and I was terrified. 18 hours of labor, the majority of which were drug-free was one of the hardest things ever. I endured the pain - and remember it being bad - but luckily you DO block that out. However, the physical act of it was terrifying and exciting and painful and just crazy. THEN add the fact that I was told I had to have a C-section after all that - and I was into hardship again. It was so hard...to not have a choice...to be "rushed" to surgery and only shown my baby for a second after birth was one of the hardest things to endure ever.
All these lead up to the hardest thing I've ever endured...having to have my baby taken away and hooked up to monitors and tubes and incubators for a week in a room away from me. Yes I got to see him and hold him - but never on my own time, never alone, never like all the other mommies there. I learned to just survive that week, living like Howard Hughes in a room I was sequestered to unless I was visiting D. I watched as my baby was stimulated from a Bradying episode which was the climax. I didn't know how to deal with the uncertainty of what was going on - or what to do for him. But I endured...and I got to take him home a week later on a monitor.
The monitor was another hardship - which has now become a crutch that I can't kick away. It was so hard to deal with, what I know now to be, false alarms. I freaked out not knowing if I would have to utilize the infant CPR I was briefed on...and was living in complete and total terror for the first full week at home with D. I couldn't take my eyes off him for 1 minute. I was convinced I would never make it. I thought that I was crazy to even have had a baby - and wished to have those nurses back full time...but again, I endured.
The most recent and lasting hardship has been breastfeeding. No one tells you how hard it is. It just seems so easy and natural and turn-key. It's not. Not even close. It's hard and lonely and unpredictable. It's worth it, but it's hard. I found my breastfeeding group - which made things easier - but now I'll not get to have that anymore. I don't know how to always endure this. I've spent an afternoon bawling with a lactation nurse not thinking I could do it in the past. I endured that. This weekend I had stomach flu and became dehydrated and now it's a huge challenge again. I'm enduring. What will I do without that weekly group though?
Now - the hardest thing possibly. I go back to work tomorrow. How can I do it? How can I start back and have someone else spend 10 hours a day with my baby? What if he becomes more attached to the babysitter? What if I miss all his milestones? I mean - he is just starting to smile and giggle and now I have to go away. I can't even think about everything else I will be missing. I know - tomorrow and Wednesday should be okay with me as my mom and mother-in-law will be watching him. But even so...it's not me. What if he doesn't get soothed just by seeing me anymore? What if he doesn't want to breastfeed anymore? What if the babysitter can't calm him and he cries all day? He's not going to be given the undivided attention that I provide. This is the hardest thing ever. I know that I still get every night and every weekend...but it just seems barbaric...having a kid so that someone else raises him? I know I didn't do that - and I knew this day had to come...I always said I wanted to work. But - I had no idea it would be this hard. And now, that's what I'm left to endure.
Wish me luck...
3 comments:
Don't worry Marie. I took Joey to daycare at only 7 weeks old. I didn't miss any milestones (that I know about), he never got more attached to the babysitter than me, and he was given plenty of attention. If seeing how "Mommified" my little one was on Christmas Eve wasn't proof positive that Mommy will ALWAYS be Mommy, I don't know what it. There is NO ALTERNATIVE FOR MOMMY.
Big hug from Aunt Jess. You've been through so much and you have a beautiful baby boy to be proud of.
I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Marie, although I have been through it with two kids, I can tell you that your little "D" will always want you more than your babysitter no matter how good he or she is. Your child knows your smell, your touch, your thing or that and he will want you. Like I said in an earlier post, if it gives you more comfort I would call the babysitter, I still do today at least once a day. I went back to work at 8 weeks with Gavin and 5 weeks with Griffin and I agree with Natalie I didn't miss a thing in the boy's lives. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. In my opinoin it is more difficult to leave them when they know that you are leaving rather when they don't know. Gavin and Griffin both know when I am leaving and sometimes they are crying when I go out the door and I think that is harder than when they were both babies.
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