The Blogger is Back! (Part 3)

Sorry again for the cliffhangers and days and days between posts. I'm officially a wreck, and have not made time for much else besides making sure every need of D's is taken care of.

Thursday should have been the best day ever - but it wasn't.
I got up that morning looking forward to the possibility of going home. I went down for feedings, showered, and got dressed in real clothes. That evening was supposed to maybe be "go home" time. D was ordered phototherapy (a light treatment where they basically look like they're tanning) to treat his jaundice that would start that day. He got his hearing test done (passed) and his car seat test done (passed) and even his circumcision (poor kid). I was then down for a feeding - after nursing him - and getting ready to start the phototherapy treatment I sat in the chair to watch. He had to wear these "goggles" that looked funny but made me sad to see him with a blindfold on. I watched as they placed him back in the closed isolette with nothing but his diaper on - and sat for a few minutes. I heard the little alarm he was hooked up to the entire time in Special Care start to go off for a lower heart rate - and in came the nurse. His heart rate was dropping - and so they rubbed his head, and picked him up to stimulate him. Sure enough, his heartrate went back up - but then started descending again (an issue known as "Bradying"). This happened about 4 or 5 times in a row - and I watched in terror - bawling my eyes out - while one nurse listened with a stethoscope and the other called his doctor.
After those few episodes - he was fine - and it didn't happen again. However, the doctor ordered an overnight "Fact Study" - where he was hooked up to more monitors and given another nose tube - and ordered an EKG, along with some bloodwork. Needless to say, we weren't going home that day.
The next afternoon (Friday) - the results came back. Everything was fine. The doctor had no explanation for what happened, and wanted to watch him one more night with one more night of phototherapy. Our doctor in the hospital (the neonatologist) recommended going home with a Sleep Apnea monitor for D as well. Basically it would show the same info the hospital monitors did - and let us know if he had a dip in heart rate or a delay in breathing. We agreed to it - it actually would bridge the gap in my mind of constantly being able to see how he was doing.
So that was Friday late afternoon. I was supposed to be kicked out of the "hospitality" room I was STILL in (I had been literally in the same room since the previous Friday morning when I came in - and since I was restricted by the MRSA - I had only been in that room and the nursery since). I felt a little Howard Hughes like, but the nurses gave me permission to stay the last night in the room so I could be near the D-man.

Saturday morning finally came. I got dressed in real clothes again, and we met with my mom and the man from the monitor service to learn everything about the monitor that was coming home with us. We learned how to run it, what the alarms would mean, and got a crash course in CPR. I was crying through the whole thing. Terrified of the alarms going off...but terrified of what would happen without them.

We finally headed for home about 1:30 p.m.

Saturday night we had two beeps once for "low heart rate" which sent me nearly into hysterics, and then one beep a few hours later for the same. However, the beeps are supposed to last the duration of the event - so that means it just dipped quickly and went right back up without needing stimulation or that dreaded CPR that I now know how to do - but can't bring myself to think about administering.

Since then - we've been doing feedings and baths, my mom has been keeping us fed, and we have learned that the beeps have subsided. We've had about 4 other beeps since...just 1 at a time - a few for high heart rate and a few for low. Dain and my mom are not worried - but I can't help myself. We had a visit from a Delnor nurse, who was just concerned as he's lost weight - so we're upping the feedings to at least every 3 hours - which means I'm not sleeping, but that's okay. We also are giving D a little bit of my milk in a bottle after he's done nursing to help him pack on some L-B's.

My mom went home yesterday morning - so that Dain and I could have a couple days with D on our own. We went to the pediatrician - who was not at all concerned with the monitor issues - and seemed fairly relaxed about everything since day one. I guess that's a good sign - but I need regulation and direction...not this "well it looks fine" crap. Fine is NOT my favorite word. But, this all makes Dain happy so I'm living with it.

I'm now sitting on my couch with D next to me on a pillow, making baby sounds as he flails his arms (he loves to flail his arms). This is the most surreal experience of my life. I'm terrified every minute, crying the next, and just trying to figure out how I'll be able to do this on my own every day. Dain goes back to work tomorrow, but my mom is coming back tomorrow morning to be with us for Thursday and Friday so that I get a little more time to adjust. I've never loved anything more than my little family - and I'm terrified of screwing something up or of losing this amazing little guy. I know this seems crazy - but being a mommy is terrifying and wonderful all at once - and I will keep you posted as to how I am doing.

I apologize to everyone who I'm not getting calls back to. Don't take anything personally - the only person I've talked to since coming home is work. I promise I'll be better at this soon. I'm just still adjusting...and if you know me, and my anxiety level at a NON-maternal rate - you'll understand how I'm doing now that my hormones and baby have arrived!